Giving up

Well, I guess home sickness is kicking in. I miss the hot weather of Malaysia. I miss my family. I miss going out every other night to have a teh o ais limau at the mamak for RM 1.20. Every thing is so friggin expensive here. A roti canai is about $3.50. You do the math. And it's not even freshly made, it's unfreezed!! Ishhh.... Most importantly, I miss the food a hell lot. People think it's "cool" I'm from Malaysia. Bleh... They don't know how politics work around there.

Anyway, first week of class is over and yeah I've met some people. But... I'm not in the mood for anything. Not for studies even though I still attend the classes no matter how boring a 500-people lecture may be. Not for meeting with people.. Not even for partying... Something must be terribly wrong with me. Because this is definitely not the Sybil I thought I knew. I've lost interest in practically everything. Can I tell you what I do after my classes? When it's been sunny like how it's been these past few days, I sit or lay on the grass and read. It's not uncommon here but seriously... I'm alone like all the time because I think so much... I don't keep track of the conversations I have sometimes because I get lost in my own thoughts. When it rains, it's worse, because I'm fucking cold and I just spend my time in my room. It's not the university that's the problem or the people. It's just me...

There's these few songs I'm hooked on. It's so emo but so good. Like Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Drive My Soul by Lights. It portrays my mood I guess. I mean... Being alone is not all bad but I miss being able to talk to someone that knows what's already going on with what I'm going through. You can't expect me to talk to a stranger that doesn't know nuts about me. People think university is the time to party. If only they knew how fucking complicated life gets after that. You can't expect me to just call anyone back home and talk to them because then they will worry about me and bla bla bla... Jeez... If this is a test, I give up. I've never been one to give in but this time, I really do give up. I would trade almost anything for things to be back to normal. I would definitely trade anything to not be in the middle of all this. Any suggestions? Besides selling my soul to the devil...